Where I’m at is where I’m at…
It’s been one of those days today, totally unmotivated and feeling like I could just go to bed and never wake up again.
There was a time where I felt so much guilt about putting this site up with the intention of using it like a blog (stupid right since it is a blog) Now I just don’t care.
It’s been 3 1/2 months since Faadiel passed and I’ve been up and down emotionally. Suddenly not having all the blame and anger thrown at me has cleaned up my space in a way, but I have nothing to fill it with and here I am. Just another day. So seriously have to find something to fill my space, all these years and not a minute to think clearly. Now suddenly only having to think for myself and its exhausting.
I sometimes wonder if I’m depressed and then laugh about it because it’s me, but I guess it’s ok to feel a little sorry for myself but can’t put it down to full-blown depression. I think what’s actually happening is I’m just trying to fill the void more than anything.
Does not help that we are so stuck with the COVID thing, it just adds to the nothingness I have going on and I guess that’s part of my frustration.
Work has kept me together more than anything else. I’m done with the responsibility or monotony of mowing lawn, work, mowing the lawn, work. I just have to find something that’s meaningful. And it’s not like I can’t do things I have about 30 URL’s that all could be something but I am uninspired.
Losing Noodle and the responsibility of having to take care of her, and then Faadiel and everything that went along with that. And now sitting and waiting for Zulu as he moves towards the end of his journey with me. I will be alone soon, and even in that, I find no comfort.
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